Matt Wohlfarth presents
Jokes from Midlife

I shouldn't cast stones, but I live in a Plexiglas house.

I was taking Flintstone vitamins, but then I realized that Fred and Barney weren't the pictures of health..

After a show, this girl told me she wanted to get in my pants. I said, "Really, I don't even like getting in my pants."

I'm always trying to take the easy way out. When I was a kid, I got kicked out of kindergarten for selling little gold stars to other little kids so their parents thought they were doing well in school.

When I got older I tried to get rich by starting an antique manufacturing plant. You buy something new that's already old.

I'm going to be rich, I just invented camouflage that lets me blend in with the sofa.

My day never lives up to my horoscope.

I tried to make it in Hollywood as a writer. Most agents tell their clients they need a new headshot. My agent told me, "You need a new head."

I just signed to do a sitcom about my broke life with four kids. It's going to be called Everyone loves Ramen.

I think Buffalo wings were invented by someone in the napkin industry.

My relationship is not good. I bought her some Clinique Happy and it made her skin burn.

The other day I went to a framing shop and for only $40 I got indicted for manslaughter.

I got kicked out of my dart league for using lawn darts.

In my spare time, I try to train mosquitoes to do liposuction.